Talking to fish

James Brown is Dead

2007-01-02T11:32:00.000-08:00

End-of-week news recap: A President and a Godfather have departed from us, and Italy bans thin models. Jill joins!

Kids Too Fat By Preschool

2007-01-02T11:31:00.000-08:00

Obesity is affecting children as young as 3, and researchers want to know why. Could it be...food?

Iraq Court Upholds Saddam Hussein Execution

2007-01-02T11:20:00.000-08:00

...and the former leader leaves his countrymen words of split-personality wisdom. Oh, and he died. I recorded this last week, but thanks to Blogger, wasn't able to post.

Arnie Suffers Collateral Damage

2006-12-26T18:01:00.000-08:00

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger fall down go break.

Special Edition News of the Day

2006-12-22T16:25:00.000-08:00

So this girl with the handle xgobobeanx contacted me and said hey, let's collaborate. Always impressed when a gal uses a word with four syllables, and even more impressed with her video editing skills, I said, yes. Let's.

So here you have it--the first of the Friday News of the Day...is one of those last words supposed to be pluralized?

I Am Not a Liar

2006-12-21T17:32:00.000-08:00

But this man is. And no, I'm really not a liar. On purpose. Sometimes.

Everyone Loves Troop Swell!

2006-12-20T18:07:00.000-08:00

But only if it's in the right direction, like it's on a mission. So far, the idea is just kinda swinging around.

Bush Plans to Increase Troop Presence in Iraq

2006-12-19T17:01:00.000-08:00

Bush plans troop swelling. But is size the only thing that matters?

Are You Prepared for Disaster?

2006-12-18T18:51:00.000-08:00

Dispite the recent wounds from 9/11 and Hurricanes Rita and Katrina, a report reveals most are unprepared for a disaster.
What about you? Take this test to see how ready you are.

YouTube Stories of the Year 2006

2006-12-15T18:49:00.000-08:00

With the ubiquity of YouTube in today's society, it's almost difficult to remember what life was like before it. What? You doubt the impact of YouTube? Perhaps this will take you down memory lane.

Israeli Supreme Court Upholds Targeting Killings

2006-12-14T17:19:00.000-08:00

Does war legitimize execution without due process? Tough question. Israel's Supreme Court says yes. I say, I'm glad I'm not in control.

"Girls Gone Wild" Founder Guilty

2006-12-13T18:05:00.000-08:00

Once again the man lays his hammer down and fines the company behind "Girls Gone Wild" a massive $1.6 million for taking advantage of drunk underage girls. Whatever happened to freedom of expression?

Oh wait, that's kiddie porn. Never mind.

I Was Sick Yesterday

2006-12-13T13:51:00.000-08:00

...but still did a video. Probably shouldn't have.

A cold + cheap medicinal alcohol + late night = a video in very poor taste.

Persecuted Holocaust Deniers Find Refuge in Iran

2006-12-11T18:07:00.000-08:00

Iran hosts a "scholarly gathering" for a Holocaust conference geared toward Holocaust deniers, the one subculture of society it's totally OK to make fun of.

My Boss Tagged Me

2006-12-11T11:43:00.000-08:00

Normally I am loathe to participate in these "blog tag you're it now bore me to death with trivial information about yourself I could care less about" exercises, but my boss, SightSpeed CEO Peter Csathy actually tagged me, which means it's not a puerile form of entertainment akin to repeatedly falling down a flight of stairs, but Super-Awesome-Fun!

5 things you probably didn't know about me:

1) I wear glasses. Being that, if I look at you through them, you'll die, I don't wear them in public very often (see rare photo above).
2) My fingers are considered a concealed weapon in Saskatewan.
3) I call dibs on microwave burritos. Look it up.
4) I know the end to the NeverEnding Story. And no, everybody doesn't die.
5) My brother Cary invented the word "moded," as in, "You got moded." I believe him because he said so about 20 years ago. Recognize.

I refuse to re-tag anyone. Except China. I know they're hiding something.

Feds Thwart Plot to Blow Up Chicago Mall

2006-12-08T17:40:00.000-08:00

American-born would-be jihadist Derrick Shareef was caught on Wednesday and charged today, a scant weeks before his planned multiple-grenade bombing of a Chicago mall. Which is always a good thing, you know, blowing up malls, but not with people still in them. That's not so good.

Which begs the question: what if the Feds didn't find out? What are the latest bomb-detection techniques from scientific masterminds?

Truthiness Prevails!

2006-12-08T14:26:00.000-08:00

I did my part, and the wordinistas banded together like so many smelly hippie dreads to show due props to the word more deserving than all others to be awarded 2006's Word of the Year by Merriam-Webster: TRUTHINESS

Now let's make it a 2-fer at Dictionary.com! Do your duty, people!

Discovery Launch Set for Saturday

2006-12-08T11:11:00.000-08:00

How sad that, whereas rocket missles can be launched from thousands of miles away through Mother Nature's worst and hit its target with pinpoint accuracy, a rocket shuttle launch is delayed because of rain.

Oh here's a good one: now the length of Indian fluegelhorns is news. Or rather, lack thereof.

Discovery Space Shuttle Launch Tonight

2006-12-07T17:13:00.000-08:00

...maybe. Certain unfavorable conditions may prevent liftoff. Regardless, the crew itself is cause for celebration, containing the most diverse racial mix to date.

Plus: Space.com tells observers what to look for. Hint: A Space Shuttle. Fire. Smoke. But by now, you're probably disintegrated.

Farts on a Plane!

2006-12-06T17:51:00.000-08:00

A woman decides to cover her "body odor" by lighting a match. On a plane. And I thought women never fart...

Plus: Iraq Study Group reveals what most of us already know.

View the video report here.

Man Accused of Faking Retarded

2006-12-05T17:37:00.000-08:00

Sad. Shameful. Pitiful.

Getting caught, though--that's retarded.

View the video report here.

Do New Privacy Guidelines Have Any Teeth?

2006-12-04T18:29:00.000-08:00

The current administration released New and Improved!™ guidelines which may or may not have any bearing whatsoever on NSA's warrantless wiretapping program. Not that I have anything to hide (Crackhead Joe, if you're reading this, DO NOT meet me tonight on San Pablo and Dwight. Look for my smoke signals for updated redezvous point).

View the video report here.

Big Brother is Watching You

2006-12-01T16:18:00.000-08:00

They see your every move, gathering your "risk assessment."

Sound invasive? Maybe.

Want to see it? Sorry. You can't.

View the video report here.

How to Save the Human Race

2006-11-30T17:21:00.000-08:00

World conditions got you down? What? Not very optimistic, are you? You're not alone: Stephen Hawking agrees we might very well destroy each other. Does that mean the end of the human race?

Not if Mr. Hawking has anything to do about it.

View the video report here.

New York Tackles Greenhouse Gases

2006-11-29T18:22:00.000-08:00

Temperatures in New York rose 1.13 degrees last century. The prediction for the next 100 years? Can the summer heat make the pee-infused train stations any more rank?

Apparently, yes. Lots more.

View the video report here.

Petition to Make TRUTHINESS Word of the Year

2006-11-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

Every year, dictionary supergiant Merriam-Webster calls on you to cast your ballot and vote for the Word of the Year.

And let's face it: past winners sucked.

"Integrity"? "Blog"? Lame!

And so now I begin my online campaign to make Stephen Colbert's "Truthiness" 2006's Word of the Year. Don't let the Word of the Year be taken by some pedestrian noun or unimaginative adjective.

Be on the side of TRUTHINESS!

Let's make it happen, people! It all ends December 4! Click here to vote!

View the video report here!

SPREAD THE WORD!

Pamela Anderson Files for Divorce!

2006-11-27T17:58:00.000-08:00

Alas, another Hollywood couple, this one with high hopes from everyone of their lasting bliss, has bit the dust. Pamela Anderson confirms: "Unfortunately impossible."

Who would have thought? Is there no one respecting the sanctity of a doomed wedding?

View the video report here.

Why Did OJ Do It?

2006-11-22T18:44:00.000-08:00

In a photo from the interview, OJ describes how he would, if, you know, hypothetically speaking, he would choke the last breath of life out of the two people he absolutely unequivocally did not murder.

But I guess we'll never know, now that the book and interview have been pulled. The question remains, Why? Why the shamefully tasteless and exploitative publicity stunt?

View the video report here.

Is Michael Richards Racist?

2006-11-21T18:30:00.000-08:00

He doesn't seem to think so. During his broadcast apology, he defended himself by saying: "I'm not a racist. That's what's so insane about this."

Of course not. Neither is Mel Gibson.

Seriously--what do you think?

View the video report here.

Does the US Need Help in the Mideast?

2006-11-20T18:21:00.000-08:00

Oh my, but the Mideast never sleeps:

Iraq defense minister admits internal conflict is "state of war," US pressured to ask Syria & Iran for help
Iran President invites presidents of Syria & Iraq for weekend summit
International human rights watchdog calls Saddam's trial "fundamentally unfair"
Iraq reaches out to Syria and resumes diplomacy after almost 25 years to deal with internal chaos

All this attention is sure to make North Korea jealous. Expect them to launch a parakeet into space in a styrofoam rocket, which will explode shortly after takeoff.

View the video report here.

TomKat Plan Italian Wedding

2006-11-16T18:29:00.000-08:00

With rumor that the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will wed as soon as this Saturday, still no word yet if Xenu is confirmed to attend; he has to check first with the Galactic Confederacy.

View the video report here.

OJ Confesses!

2006-11-15T18:22:00.000-08:00

Not content to just go away and wither in a filthy rich golf player's paradise over 10 years after the last "Trial of the Century," OJ Simpson brick-slaps society with a one-two punch: an interview and a book that his publisher calls "his confession."

View the video report here.

The Marines Reject Jesus!

2006-11-14T17:51:00.000-08:00

You can't have Christmas without Christ! Then it'll be just ...mas! And that doesn't have a ring to it, now, does it? Besides, what better way to while away the winter than cuddling with the Lord?

View the video report here.

Elton John Wants to Ban Religion

2006-11-13T15:22:00.000-08:00

Why? Ruthless persecution of heretics who dared defy the church? Serving colonial interests in the guise of conversion? Killing infidels to secure a place in Paradise? Fomenting nationalism?

Nah. Religion hates gays, so make it unlawful.

Somehow the irony of intolerance is lost on Sir Elton. Just like the irony of his hair.

View the video report here.

Post-Election Elation: Dems Control Both House and Senate

2006-11-09T17:07:00.000-08:00

Only because I do this news thing for a living do I know such obtuse historical facts as:

Democrats last held sway of both House & Senate in 1994
Democrats last gained House seats mid-presidential term in 1998; and before that, 1822
Never before has "latte" been used as a disparaging term

With all of these world-shaking events, do the tea leaves of US politics really spell change? Or just another person to hate?

View the video report here.

Donald Rumsfeld Resigns!

2006-11-08T16:30:00.000-08:00

Donald CutAndRunsfeld, perhaps taking heed of virtually every red-blooded American soldier he leads, turns in his badge as US Defense Secretary, according to an annoucement from George Bush this morning.

View the video report here.

Never Saw This Coming

2006-11-07T16:54:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears and Kevin "F is for Failure" Federline are no more. Brit ended the rocky union, filing for divorce, citing "irreconcilable differences."

Perhaps she didn't want her boys to grow up like their poppa (computer-generated projected image, left). Understandable. At least now they have the bright future of becoming saccharine white trash ho-bags. Yay!

View the video report here.

It's Election Time!

2006-11-06T18:12:00.000-08:00

With the dawn of midterm elections just a few hours away, tensions are running high, as are hopes of a new...something. Anything. But be warned: politics are always a gamble. Despite what you think you may know about a candidate, there's always the chance that you will share the blame for putting a sick pedarast in power and one step closer to his dream of a vile boy-harem in the West Wing. Not that that could ever happen.

View the video report here.

Why Haven't You Downloaded This Yet?

2006-11-02T15:40:00.000-08:00

The videophone has long been a mainstay in science fiction: Blade Runner, the Jetsons, etc. Finally the videophone became a reality, but only if you had 18 billion dollars or were a superagent like 007 or Ethan Hunt.

Well, let me tell you, the videophone has arrived, it's come a long way, and if you're reading this, you can probably use it. For free. That's right--free.

How do I know? Because the company I work for, SightSpeed, makes pretty much the best and easiest video calling software ever. And it's free. Did I mention it's free?

So why haven't you downloaded it yet?

View the video report here.

I Pissed My Pants! Awesome!

2006-10-31T17:20:00.000-08:00

Imagine you're at home, relaxed, and all of a sudden out of nowhere a face appears--the ugliest, most grotesque, freakish thing you’ve ever seen: the unholy genetic mutative combination of Janet Reno and John Kerry.

Or perhaps Saw III is more your cup of shocking bliss. What you're experiencing is something uniquely human: enjoying fear. Why do we love being scared?

View the video report here.

How to Dance Flamenco, Advanced

2006-10-30T17:06:00.000-08:00

Once again the illustrious Flamenco-er Pedro Zottolo takes you on a video journey of the world-renowned stylings of the great Christóbal Sack, including the famed super-secret Flamenco move--the Flatulent Foot Dance.

View the video here (but only if you've seen and practiced the beginner video).

Video Tip of the Month

2006-10-27T15:36:00.000-07:00

So I got this costume and did a Mentos/Diet Coke video, but it got the kibosh. So instead you have me dancing to Beyonce.

You have been warned.

Click here for the Video Tip of the Month.

How To Dance Flamenco

2006-10-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

If you, as did I, happen to catch the Cervantino Festival 2006 in Guanajuato, Mexico, and you were lucky, you might have seen the apparently supernatural Christóbal Reyes deign to grace the filthy mortals with his patented style of pitiful has-been struggling to hang on to a long-lost glory that once was by employing over-the-top pompous affectation for so long, what was at first a funny skit turned to feelings of sympathetic embarrassment.

Except it was not a joke.

This is (but not really).

Click here to view the video.

Getting a Bug on Your Anniversary Sucks

2006-10-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

OK, so, we couldn't make our plane and wasted a vacation day, and had to make a trip to Mexico City, and a last-minute trip to get to our hotel, and then Angela got a bug. This hasn't been the best anniversary ever, but...yeah. The views have been phenomenal, and the friends we've met have been unforgettable. So...always look on the bright side, right?

Here's the video.

Puerto Vallarta, Finally

2006-10-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

We finally made it! A few days ago, actually - and what a time we had.

Check out the video here.

PS - I didn't take the picture on the right, but that's pretty much how the sunset looked from our balcony.

Murphy's Law Got Nuthin' on Me

2006-10-14T18:27:00.000-07:00

Nothing ever goes right when I travel. Or I should say, nothing ever goes right enough, what with the expired passport and expired driver's license and arriving late and missing planes, none of which, I can assure you, was my fault. But you know, I'm all grown up and stuff, and what does getting pissed off get me anyway, except feeling superior, cuz, you know, I rule?

But at least we got a nice empty flight in first class with legroom and filet mignon and pinot noir with a Courvoisier chaser and chocolate mousse to leave my palate all yummy.

Live from Mexico City - it's my sucky layover! Watch - you can almost feel Angela's altitude sickness!

Click here for the video!

The Last 10 Minutes - When Was Foley NOT Thinking of Wood?

2006-10-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

Letters exchanged between former Florida Representative Mark Foley and his governor, Jeb Bush, were revealed today. Not anything particularly racy, but...oh wait. Oh wow. That quote. Right...there.

Awesome.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - In Defense of Chad & Steve

2006-10-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

The YouTube Community is all aghast and atwitter upon hearing news of the recent Google buyout. Why? Do they fear their incredibly mind-numbing and fantastically soul-sucking video of themselves dancing so-eye-bleedingly-bad-it's-not-even-remotely-ironic won't get seen by the networks to get scooped up as an extra for the next season of Heroes?

How sad. And yet: maybe Google has saved us all.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Kim Jong Il's Secret Complex

2006-10-10T18:49:00.000-07:00

Recently discovered details shed new light on North Korea's Sunday claim to have detonated a nuclear device. Prepare to be shocked. Or, not.

View the video report here.

The Return of Raisin!

2006-10-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

Raisin got his 10 staples and stitches removed last Friday, and since then, he's been bouncing back like a true champ. Let's see if you can do that after an animal 5 times your size bites you in the crotch and swings you around like a tetherball.

View the video here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Ganja is Good For You!

2006-10-05T17:39:00.000-07:00

The latest research reaffirms that marijuana can help forestall the onset of Alzheimer's disease. While not preventing Alzheimer's entirely, the active ingredient in pot acts to block the proteins that contribute to dementia as well as stave off neurological problems associated with the disease.

Marijuana - Just Say Yes?

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Mark Foley Loves Your Children, And Yes, In That Way

2006-10-04T18:33:00.000-07:00

The dirt on Florida Representative Mark Foley (R-NAMBLA) keeps getting more interesting, as transcripts of his naughty IMs were recently trumped by the assertions of one Kirk Fordham, a congressional aide who told AP that he had notified aides to the House Speaker Dennis Hastert of Foley's misconduct three years ago, shaking the already wobbly public support of Republican politics just weeks before mid-term elections.

View the video report here.

Be Someone You're Not on the Internet!

2006-10-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

New software allows you to make videos which almost completely shield your identity from haters, stalkers, or, if you're Mark Foley, pesky child-protecting do-gooders.

Learn how to play pretend on the video report here!

MTV Using SightSpeed on TRL

2006-09-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

MTV is introducing live webcams using SightSpeed on TRL today and tomorrow. Watch it, because it's one of the last shows on that network that actually plays music. Plus here's your chance to tell all the emo bands they suck.

View the video report here!

Want to be the next face on MTV's WebWall? Click here to be on TRL via SightSpeed!

The Last 10 Minutes - The Joke of Jihad

2006-09-28T18:03:00.000-07:00

Apparently the idea of Islamic jihad has become such a part of American consciousness that car dealership sales events with themes revolving around the concept of Muslims engaging in holy war are now OK. Or, maybe not. Perhaps we need to wait some time before we graft "jihad" into the English lexicon and give it a figurative meaning. It's not as though the word "crusade" is never used symbolically.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - The E! Condi Interview

2006-09-27T17:57:00.000-07:00

60 Minutes decided to take advantage of its guest, US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, and asked her such heavy questions as "How does one go about asking the Secretary of State out on a date?" To which Ms Rice did not reply: "Although I'm partial to diamonds, the blood of still-live barbequed kittens in a skull chalice will do just fine."

View the video report here.

A Public Service Announcement - Leash Your Psycho Dog

2006-09-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

This past weekend we went to Tahoe with some friends, and while hiking on a trail, I noticed a huge Clifford-sized wolf-mix Cujo dog come toward us. I said aloud to Jen, "Wow, that is a big dog."

This freak of the canis genus then decided our precious little mutt Raisin was a snack, biting and swinging him around like a rag doll. I was frozen for what seemed like an eternity. It was probably one of the most horrible things I have ever seen.

And heard. Raisin howled like he was about to die. Which was true. After carrying him down the trail, we took him to a local Truckee vet, who showed us X-rays that revealed Raisin had hernias in his abdomen, crotch, and back. He had to have surgery immediately. The owner of the attacking dog - who admitted his dog had a history of playing doggie death match - at first offered to pay, then balked at the price - $1400.

And I don't blame him. Dog owners, please take note: If your canine like to chomp other dogs, cats, or people, be responsible and keep him leashed or muzzled. It's easy and can save you an expense, and others - myself - a lot of pain and grief.

I'll admit I laughed when Jack Black kicked Ron Burgandy's dog off Coronado Bridge, but man, when it's your dog, you're in a glass case of emotion.

View the video of Raisin the dog here.

Showing Some Love

2006-09-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

I must say I'm a little pleased. Flattered. After blasting our user base with a video mail, I was sure I'd get my share of hate mail. Instead, I get love. Lots of it.

I actually inspired VOIPGirl to try SightSpeed, although whether or not her videos will ever see the light of day remains unknown. Then PhoneBoy came with the complements. I'm still waiting for a response from someone out there called CellularBaby, obviously the digital offspring of the two.

Ken Camp actually did his own "How Not to Videoblog" PSA, then referenced my own with some rather magnanimous kudos.

And of course I can't forget my friend and the one who explained "Link Love" to me, Andy Abramson.

Thanks for the love, people. Now go and make videos.

The Last 10 Minutes - Bush Bows to Rebels

2006-09-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

After much internal struggling, the Senate and the White House each made concessions to draft a terrorist detainee bill that is legal, if a little less fun. Killjoys.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Hugo Chavez Can Smell Otherworldly Creatures!

2006-09-20T17:29:00.000-07:00

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez gained audience at the UN today and seized his moment to denounce US President George Bush as "the Devil." On what basis? Chavez reveals his heretofore little known olfactory talent of being able to detect scents of the spirit realm and interpret their meaning.

View the video report here.

How to Make a Video Call

2006-09-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you've heard of video calling, video conferencing, VOIP, VVOIP, panties - sorry, I have to include a Monty Pyhon reference once a month.

The following video (clicky-clicky on the link below, kids) is the first in a series of "How-to" videos designed to give you tips on the basics of video calling. Brought to you by award-winning SightSpeed, the company behind the best video calling software, and who inexplicably pays me for producing my other daily drivel so I might as well pimp them every now and then.

View the video here.

PS - If you want a free account, email me and I'll hook you up.

The Last 10 Minutes - Jobs of Arguably Pretty Skeletons At Risk!

2006-09-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

To help promote a more realistic view of what is considered the ideal, some in the fashion industry are taking it upon themselves to impose a "thin ban," preventing soul-cringingly thin models from parading their bones on the runway like so many cocaine-laced popcicle sticks.

VIEW THE VIDEO REPORT BELOW

In other news, Scarlett Johanssen is OK with her body. So am I. OK with her body I mean.

The Last 10 Minutes - In Defense of LonelyGirl15

2006-09-15T17:39:00.000-07:00

YouTube sensation LonelyGirl15 has upset many ~~pedophiles and pubescent losers~~ viewers when word got out that she's not LonelyGirl15, but in fact a 19-year-old actress in the title role of the internet "show" that is not simply the random videoblog ramblings of a teenager, but a serial soap opera that actually has a plot.

Of course, when the artist formerly known as LonelyGirl15 came forward with her confession of being a *gasp* actress, scores of ~~internet-obsessed shut-ins~~ her fans were none too pleased, as who would expect someone to assume a fake identity on the internet? And thus their reality was shattered. Poor souls.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Senate Shocks World By Thinking On Its Own

2006-09-14T19:04:00.000-07:00

Today the Republican-majority Senate passed a bill regarding terror suspects which falls short of the Bush administration's proposed legislation of rather scary and internationally-accepted illegal methods of detainee treatment.

Which is not at all funny, but I do get to reference Monty Python.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Being (Divorced From) Bobby Brown

2006-09-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

The entertainment world reels in shock after reports came in of Whitney Houston filing for divorce from Bobby Brown. Despite a picture-perfect marriage and the type of positive press coverage one could only dream for, the once-golden couple, once well-known for their mutual love, have decided to call it quits.

At least someone created a decent homage.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Who Is Your God?

2006-09-12T17:51:00.000-07:00

A recent poll (with graphs!) shows Americans have a varied opinion about the kind of God God is. What is most interesting is not that old sweeping notions that all liberals are athiest God-haters and all conservatives are Bible-thumping fundamentalists (neither of which is true), but that more and more are stepping away from traditional "labels" and opting to find a God of their own, however far-out those views might be. Which might help to explain Pat Robertson and his protein shakes.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - My 9/11 Story

2006-09-11T18:49:00.000-07:00

In what will surely be lost in the overabundance of infinitely more tear-inducing "Where Were You?" 9/11 stories, I give you the first-hand account of just another dotcom worker bee with a jerk expat boss named Richard who couldn't care less about terrorism, since it never happens in Australia.

View my 9/11 story here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Saddam Actually Thought Al Qaida Were Poopoo Heads

2006-09-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

Despite claims made as recent as two weeks ago that Saddam Hussein had relations with al-Qaida, a Senate report released today confirms pretty much what most everyone already knew.

Yeah, we know. Gloat, gloat, gloat. Whatever.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Paris Gets DUI, Somehow Gets More Popular

2006-09-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

Scientists around the world may argue about the beginning of the universe, but one thing they do agree on: When the random subatomic nucleus of the universe drank too many vodka tonics and vomited into the vast emptiness of velvety space and the supernova on the other side simultaneously farted after a rough night of Indian lentils and cheese, the result was Paris Hilton - the single greatest unanimously accepted biological anomoly known to man.

Nothing can stop her: not a low-grade porn tape, acting so poor a 2-day-old scoop of brain from a blind and retarded 3-legged hamster could do better, singing so bafflingly tedious even ceiling dots count each other to prevent themselves from going mad, and now...

A DUI.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Billy Carson Is Afraid of the Future!

2006-09-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

And who wouldn't be? What with cellphones tracking your every conversation, server bots logging every email, and port scanners turning kids into felons for downloading music, one might start to believe every paranoid conspiracy theory posited.

Now, as the possibility of webcams infiltrating the holy inner sanctum within the impenetrable walls of Billy Carson's dorm room becomes ominously closer to reality, the Boston College freshman is not going to just sit there and let it happen. Oh no. Not that any potentially embarrassing video captured by a webcam has ever been released to the public. Not at all.

View Billy's actually rather witty annotations to SightSpeed's press release here, then view the absolutely-not-at-all-corporately-sanctioned response to Billy's response here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Crikey, We Never Knew You

2006-09-05T18:02:00.000-07:00

Steve Irwin, AKA the Crocodile Hunter, who had probably the coolest most potentially dangerous job ever, died yesterday, being stabbed in the chest by a stingray's knife-like barb. Despite his enormous popularity abroad, Irwin had his share of finger-waggers at home for what they viewed as promoting a unsavory charicature of Australians. However, we discover the very same personality trait which made Steve Irwin so beloved by fans worldwide is shared by none other than US President George Bush.

With slightly different consequences.

Click here for the video report.

The Last 10 Minutes - Friday Edition

2006-09-01T18:19:00.000-07:00

· Winner for most shocking revelation, HealthDay gives us a Great Moments in Journalism™ report that working with crazy people sucks.

· The orignal 60's Star Trek, it with technicolor palatte, frightfully intentional mood lighting and period performance hyperbole, will be bastardized by even more futuristic futurism with CGI upgrades, which means Chekov's voice will be dubbed over, since no one knew what a Russian sounded like back then.

· Playboy launches its first men's clothing line. Hef absolutely guarantees that if you buy into the pathetically desparate idea that wearing clothes produced by his skank company will get you laid, he will get richer.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - You Too Might Have Superpowers!

2006-08-31T17:47:00.000-07:00

So there's this new dookie smudge of a TV show coming soon on NBC called Heroes which is not about 9/11 or ultramacho crime fighters or übermoms flying from home to work to gym to babysitter.

NBC's new show "Heroes" is about ordinary people who find something extraordinary in themselves. We all have a path in discovering our purpose, but how will these characters use their powers to discover theirs?

Here's the trailer:

Which is so asinine and pathetic in an undeniably, irresistably engaging way, because you can't help but wonder: What if I had superpowers?

Well I'll let you in on a little secret.

I do have superpowers.

Watch the video below.

The Last 10 Minutes - UPDATED VIDEO: Baby Suri's Bronzed Shat Up for Auction

2006-08-30T18:02:00.000-07:00

Celebrities continue to baffle me. Just when I thought the vomit-inducing video rip-off hack of both Madonna and Chris Isaak by Paris Hilton couldn't be more flagrantly nauseating, along comes this winner from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Or, rather, their daughter. Who may or may not exist.

And as if the very fact that someone would fossilize baby poo is not fantastically freakish enough, it's up for auction on eBay.

UPDATE: Sorry, the story was just so far out I couldn't contain myself. Please excuse my unprofessionalism. I removed the old video; view the new video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - I Love Me

2006-08-29T17:48:00.000-07:00

Bombarded with attacks and criticism from naysayers, City Councilman Pat Carr logs in to a website under a psuedonym to defend and praise himself, apparently since he sucks so bad, no one else has his back.

Which I think is actually pretty smart. Just think of it - let's it one step further. Work with me here: say you want to win an election, but you're not sure if you'll have enough votes. The other guy seems to have a good amount of supporters, enough so that your victory becomes less a sure thing and more a maybe. Using Pat Carr's brilliant "identity invention," you can create fake people who'll vote in your favor, and bam! Guaranteed victory! No one will ever know!

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Bush Assures Katrina Victims; References Imaginary Animal

2006-08-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

On the eve of Katrina's anniversary, President Bush attempted to build confidence in the storm-ravanged South - where relief efforts have taken painfully long and have "just started" a year later - by quoting the timeless words of Dr. Suess.

View the video report here.

OK it's a cheap dig. But c'mon, he practically walked into that one.

The Last 10 Minutes - Survivor: Segregation

2006-08-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

So the genius behind Survivor (I know that's an oxymoron) pitched it and CBS bought it: Drudge up age-old racism and factor in competition and a bazillion bucks, make it into a reality show, and BAM! Instant ratings explosion.

Or, I'll just let Jeff Probst do the talking. With Gawker translating.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Someone Buy This Man a New Identity

2006-08-24T18:03:00.000-07:00

Cornered by airport security, a man endeavors to keep the fact from his mom that he has erectile dysfunction by doing something stupid.

Very, very stupid.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Warning: You're Being Taped

2006-08-23T17:21:00.000-07:00

The advent of YouTube and other video hosting sites are now making my job easier than ever, as politicians shoot themselves in the foot by saying things like "Macaca" and "nice little Guatemalan man" and getting caught on video and having it posted for all to see and hear in beautifully damning glory.

This isn't the type of publicity they were going for, I'm sure.

View the video report here.

What do you think of the ease of recording/posting video on the internet for all to see? Good? Bad? Make you think twice before taking a dump on your boss' car?

The Last 10 Minutes - Un-Double Your Pleasure

2006-08-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

Yes, there is actually a medical condition called penile duplication. Which is not as ohgodnopleasedont horrific as what one man who "suffers" from the condition wants to do.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Justice, Reveal Thyself

2006-08-17T18:08:00.000-07:00

The long arm of the law has thrown three cases into high profile:

No ruling, however, on the egregious fashion crime her parents forced her to wear.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - The Shocking Truth Behind Breast Implants

2006-08-16T18:51:00.000-07:00

They'll have you think you need them in order to go anywhere in Hollywood. They'll shame you against them by telling you only conceited Narcissists get them to hide their blatant self-loathing.

Don't believe any of it. We go deep to uncover the real reason why women get counterfeit cans.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Who Won?

2006-08-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

While the UN-brokered ceasefire may have stopped the bombs dropping, the war of words between Israel and Hezbollah hasn't stopped, oh no, not by a long shot, which is as depressing as seeing toddlers bicker over who won the fight after the teacher broke it up. Except, you know, these are grown men. Which makes it even more depressing.

View the video report here (shot on location at my mom's house in San Diego. Don't say I avoid the front lines for you.)

Plus:

Conspiracy theorists celebrate "I Knew It I Knew It I Knew It" Day.
Never piss off your wife before going to sleep.
It is no longer "Imminent" that my return flight home will be hijacked and blown up or run into the ocean tomorrow. Just "Highly Likely."

The Last 10 Minutes - Terrorists Ate My Videoblog

2006-08-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

Terrorists recently make the world scary again, and so before flying down to San Diego to visit family I saw the headlines that airports were prohibiting menacing liquids – water, gel, perfume, mouthwash. Fortunately I made sure we left all that behind, but others were not so fortunate.

So instead of a video I'll give you some small munchables to snack on for the weekend.

At least it didn't have to come to this.
Sperm donors can leave a message to their future progeny, like "You can thank Playboy."
Give 3 US soldiers in Iraq a camera each. Take the footage. Cut and slice, and violà! A movie.
See the humble beginnings of Will Ferrell and relive the 10 Best Will Ferrell Skits of All Time.
Japan finds a novel way to beat the heat.

The Last 10 Minutes - Man Who Wins Dumbest Man on Earth Award Unfortunately Not Alive to Accept It

2006-08-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

What would you do if found a rocket-propelled grenade? Would you stick it under your pillow & wait for the grenade fairy? Play ball with it? Incubate it to hatch baby grenades?

None would be as fantastically stupid as what this man did.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Important Public Service Announcement

2006-08-09T17:43:00.000-07:00

The rising popularity of YouTube and the growing percentage of webcams and other video recording devices has everyone thinking they're the next Michael Gondry or Jon Stewart (that would be me). Some are marginally interesting, others humorous, and not a few should never see the light of day (that would be me).

To that end, I have made a video Public Service Announcement to help the world improve the quality of their videos. Three simple rules can take your efforts from alligator feces to mildly watchable. If you want an example of what not to do, I can direct you to Britney Spears, who, sadly, has allowed herself to be filmed in her natural habitat and unencumbered by her hordes of stylists and publicists. Who, apparently, aren't getting paid enough.

You may see her here and here. I must warn you, after viewing the second video you may start to feel your life being sucked from your soul.

Please view the video PSA here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Mideast War Got You Down?

2006-08-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

With the world seemingly spiraling out of control and the plan for a ceasefire between Israel and Hezbollah tenuous at best, Americans have turned to stories of inspiration and rebirth in order to save their sanity and shield themselves from the horrors of reality.

Or is there a different agenda?

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - News Flash: Marketing Works!

2006-08-07T18:33:00.000-07:00

Here's a shocker: Kids that listen to songs about hos are more likely to bang one. Or become one. While parental conduct and guidance is more influential, the power of repetitive messaging should not be underestimated. Of course, it'd be easy to point to Snoop as evil incarnate, but if Coca-Cola spends at least $2 billion a year on marketing and advertising, it's gotta work. At least a little. I'm just saying. Pimping ain't easy.

Click here for the video report.

The Last 10 Minutes - Do You Think My Breasts Are Sexy?

2006-08-04T17:22:00.000-07:00

No one would. But some feel a woman's breast - in any context - should be kept out of sight. Or so say some in response to the latest issue of Babytalk (left), which features on its cover the totally natural process of a woman feeding her baby with her not-in-any-way-sexual milk factory.

View the video report here.

Plus:

You can trust everything you read on Wikipedia. Just ask Steven Colbert.
Think Mel Gibson's apologized enough? It ain't even started.
Chat with real live robot A.L.I.C.E. and I promise it'll be the biggest waste of your time this weekend.

The Last 10 Minutes - The Ancient Art of Saber Rattling

2006-08-03T17:27:00.000-07:00

On Monday the UN gave Iran an ultimatum: stop its nuclear program or face sanctions. Today, Iran's Foreign Relations Vice Minister Manuchehr Mohammadi warned such sanctions would increase the cost of oil to $200 a barrel, almost three times as much as the current price. Apparently they are engaged in the gentlemanly game of "saber rattling" - or, in local colloqualism, where I'm from, we call it bullshi**ing.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - The Great Mel Gibson Post

2006-08-02T15:47:00.000-07:00

In which we give you the best of Mel Gibson's recent decent into racist hell, then sorta-apology, then seeking help in rehab, then super-sincere apology and forgiveness-seeking to Jews everywhere to help him address his bigotry, and all the fun stuff in between. (From Defamer)

View the video report here.

What was Mel Gibson doing that night anyway? Ooh, pictures!
From Road Warrior to drunk driver: a timeline of how Mel got so nutty.
And yes, you knew it would happen - Mel Gebstein t-shirts.

The Last 10 Minutes - Blair Compares Abs, Chest, other Body Parts With Arnold

2006-08-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

British Prime Minister Tony Blair sizes himself up against Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger during his recent visit to California, and says remarks that could never ever no never in a million years be misconstrued or taken as anything else than what they so totally did not actually say but almost certainly did.

View the video report here. Plus:

How much for a piece of Cher history? And look at this headline plucked from the front pages of Reuters website:
The funniest guerilla will be killed by John Matrix last. Maybe.

The Last 10 Minutes - Invisibility: The Power of the Juice Weasel

2006-07-31T19:28:00.000-07:00

Mad Scotch scientist Ulf Leonhardt predicts invisibility in the near future. So when Janet Jackson ever goes topless the next time, no one will really care. Again.

Plus: Malaysia says you can't name your child names you probably shouldn't anyway.

Click here for the video report.

The Last 10 Minutes - Special Weekend White Edition

2006-07-28T18:20:00.000-07:00

Four members of Aryan Brotherhood, a white supremacist prison gang, were convicted today on murder and intimidation charges. Two of them face the death penalty. What is most intriguing is not so much their origin, but rather, the non-Aryanicityousness of their names.

Click here for the video report.

Plus:

Go and laugh at the crazy retarded German gamer.
A "forensic imaging specialist" imagines Hollywood's hot young babies 20 years from now, and predicts they'll all look gay. Watch out Lance Bass.

SightSpeed 5.0 Sneak Preview

2006-07-26T13:03:00.000-07:00

The Last Ten Minutes has been MIA for a few days, due to all the last minute shuffling for SightSpeed 5.0, the latest release which allows you to not just do video, but voice, phone, cell, and - get this - TV.

You can't get it on the website yet, but here's a sneak preview of what's in store for SightSpeed 5.0, released later this evening.

Clicky-clicky for the video on YouTube.

P.S. Paid users get 2 minutes of video. Which may or may not mean longer daily videos, which means the suck may last even longer now. Sorry.

The Last 10 Minutes - I'm All Out of Love

2006-07-21T17:57:00.000-07:00

So I did a video, but not one of my "video of the day" videos, but preparing a video for the big release of our new software next week. The cool thing is that recording time for videos will be 2 minutes. The bummer is that the video is 2 minutes. Try doing, and redoing, and redoing a 2 minute video 5 billion times. It's a bit tiresome.

Honestly I'm too tired to post & be witty; the video took all my energy away, and it's Friday and I'm gonna go home & pretend to DJ in the basement and maybe drink some Nero d'Avola. So instead, I'll give you some crap I wrote which was published back in aught deux. Have a great weekend everyone.

Click here for Absolution.

The Last 10 Minutes - Somebody Control These Cops

2006-07-20T18:28:00.000-07:00

A New Zealand policewoman found it hard to make ends meet in pricey Aukland. So what did she do? Why, be a prostitute, of course! What better way to find the street scum incognito? And make some extra cash?

For the video report, click here.

Plus:

Survey finds many bloggers are self-centered attention whores looking for affirmation. Duh.
Marriott Hotels loves black people.
Click here if you need tech help, but in laymans terms. From a black man.

The Last 10 Minutes - Heat Making You Crazy?

2006-07-19T17:53:00.000-07:00

Summertime temperatures can make even the most ordinary law-abiding citizen a little nuts. Take former New Jersey policeman Ioannis Mpletsakis. Former, because of nude driving. And, of other stuff, too. View the video report here. No I did not try to pronouce his name.

Plus:

Oh man are these people bored.
Take prank calls to a whole new level! Relive teenagehood!
You know news has been slow when a report of a fish with teeth hits CNN. I don't know what's more disturbing, tho: the fish, or the pre-pubescent ever-so-slightly retarded man-boy voice of the man who caught it.

The Last 10 Minutes - A President Curses, A World Gasps

2006-07-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

After growing weary of such big words like "crisis," "conflict," and "unprecedented diplomatic pee stain" in the midst of the throes of the Israel/Lebanon war, Mr. Bush talks on the level with chum Tony Blair. Unbeknownst to them their conversation is recorded.

For the video report, click here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Special Weekend Castration Edition

2006-07-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

Why disturb the bones of a centuries-dead opera singer who underwent voluntary cojones cutting?

"The bones will be examined by scientists from the universities of Bologna & Pisa for insights into...the physiology of a castrato." - Associated Press

Hey guys, let me save you some time - I don't think you'll find his nads.

For the video report, click here.

Plus: Some things to keep you busy this weekend -

You can have William Shatner voice the outgoing greeting on your answering machine. Geekboys rejoice.
Don't mock the Shat. Don't you know Captain Kirk is God?
Ain't It Cool News reports a day on the Transformers set. Am I the only one pooping my pants in anticipation of this probably-going-to-suck movie?
Mr T finally lays down the gold chains, hopefully to be stored in the Smithsonian.